i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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