3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
