Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
