Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
