he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize