Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
