omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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