The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
