Little spoons don't ask big questions
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
