ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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