Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize