I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
