seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
