dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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