Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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