I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
