Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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