Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
