You smell like a Billy Joel song
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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