They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
