I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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