margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
