I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Drake has all the answers
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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