i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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