She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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