Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
