...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
