sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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