Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
