How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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