If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
