i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
