new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
