i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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