Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
