now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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