I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
