Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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