I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
