I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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