I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
