No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
