mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
