my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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