my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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