one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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