Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
