My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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