Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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