how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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