Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
