I wish my penis had an off switch
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
