Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
