can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
