i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
