Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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