she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
