How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize