I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
