3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I supernannyed him into submission
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize