Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
