My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
