i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
