shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
