did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
